Chester Bennington of Linkin Park killed himself this week. Listening to their new album, it feels like he was screaming out, yet no one heard him. That's the problem with mental illness and our world. We cannot see it till its slashed across our face. And even then we don't. I wont pretend i was Linkin park’s number one fan. I wasn’t. I was a pretty big fan of their music because of what it did for me. Their album hybrid theory literally saved my life and helped me through some terrible dark days.There was a day in high school i could not do it. I wanted out. The pain was too much. I was thinking of ways to end it. In the time it took to “plan” things i put in the CD and played runaway, i screamed and i cried. I'm talking SCREAMING and hysterical crying. The kind you don't want anyone to see because its your soul leaking out. When it ended i replayed it. I did this over and over until i felt like i couldn't cry anymore, until my throat hurt from screaming. I felt like i had purged out all the pain. I was just tried. So i listened to the rest of the CD and fell asleep at some point. I made it through that night (and then several times thereafter) by purging out the pain with that album. His words spoke straight to the parts of me that were broken. This is why having him gone, slices a little into my soul.
I was excited for their new album and to maybe see them in concert finally! But here's the thing, when you battle the demons depression you don't have to know the person to FEEL the pain of suicide, it cuts. It cuts REALLY FUCKING DEEP! I'd relate it to if you were fighting cancer and someone died from cancer. It would hit you. You'd feel it deeper. Because it could be you. That is depression and suicide. Recognizing that any day IT COULD BE ME.
“Jessica Urban, found dead by apparent suicide.”
I've been to the point i did not think i would make it till morning more times than i care to count. Its literal hell when your brain is so sick it wants you to die. The pain, THE PAIN IS UNGODLY. Its so excruciating you just need it to stop. Imagine if someone had a pair of earbuds glued into your ears and began blasting “You're worthless. You’re so fucking pathetic. No one wants you." Also on repeat is every embarrassing moment. Every moment of failure. Just on repeat. “You’re destroying your kids. You're poison. You’ll hurt them like you were hurt. Just kill yourself so they have a chance at happiness." THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. Add in an ache in your SOUL, pain literally in your soul. DO you know what it’s like to have your soul BLEEDING?! Its unbearable.
So before you say suicide is cowardly please remember everyday is a battle. They fought hard as fuck EVERY SINGLE DAY to keep those demons quiet. And reality is it takes one moment of literally being too tired, when you just need a goddamn break, and that is when we lose them. That’s when the demons take over. They feed on any good and any fight you had until that’s it. They’re gone. You would never say to someone with cancer that they didn’t fight hard enough. How could they just die. Suicide is the SAME DAMN WAY!!! They fought, WE FIGHT EVERY SECOND, and the one minute we don’t,it could be it. It could be the end. Dammit Chester i wish you had one more minute of fight left, but not for a moment do i think you were weak. I did not know you personally, but i cannot imagine a father just walking away from his children. I can say with pretty sure confidence that these demons told you that you needed to die for them to be safe. For them to be happy. Because damn that is what these demons love to do. They love to tell you you’re worthless and a bad parent. They do it to me daily. I hope you are somewhere with no more pain. I hope your demons have finally silenced. I hope your family can find comfort somehow. I pray your demons have not moved on to them.
Please everyone, if you know the pain i am talking about, do not stop fighting. And don't fight alone. We are in this together!!! If you don't know and you have questions please ask them. But please don't assume that because you don't know that you somehow are better, you're not, you're just lucky as fuck!!!! I am begging everyone, please, if you feel like it needs to end, like its too much REACH OUT!!!! And if someone does reach out to you realize how DAMN lucky you are and take them seriously. Allow them to be sad, but remind them how much they have already fought through, how much they've lived through. Remind them how strong they are. Remind them they are loved, and needed. Remind them how these demons LIE!!!! They fucking LIE!!! That’s what they count on!
Be kind to each other. Give love. Fuck hate and judgement. We need to be there for each other. NEVER STOP FIGHTING warriors!!!! ~XO
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