Dealing With Anger.

So I'm emotionally exhausted. As much as I try the anger takes over.

I've been burned hard by my "closest friends" the last few weeks especially but it's been happening for a few years now if I'm being honest. And it's a roller coaster of forgive move on gossip bull crap repeat. One person unfortunately who's still in my life once again decided it was time to take a dig at me. She's telling people I hate my daughter. The only reason I'm with my husband is because I got pregnant. She claims that my husband and I don't even like each other and so on. Also that she can't wait for my oldest to grow up because she's going to hate me. My oldest daughter has ODD and ADHD so to say that is flat out rude. While Kaylynn and I have had to learn (and re learn) how to communicate I'll never give up on my daughter(s). I'm feeling very hurt. My marriage has not been the best at times, but no relationship is. However I'll never change what we've been through. It broke us and rearranged us into a much stronger couple. I love my family more than my own life so if someone thinks differently than that's a reflection of their own short comings and not my own.

Why am I sharing all of this and airing out my dirty laundry? Because we all can benefit from this lesson.

I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm ashamed. But I am taking this "attack" and thinking it through without anger(or trying to). I can see that yes, I have made mistakes. Yes I have said words in a heated minute that I regret immensely.  Overall I AM HUMAN. But what should truly mark our character is how much we try to CHANGE. How open we are to criticism and owning our mistakes. I am by no means a perfect mom or perfect wife but I still do not deserve to have my name ran through the mud. But the anger will do me no service. This person obviously is insecure and reflecting their faults and short comings onto me. Breaking me down to build themselves up. It's a false tense that will only fail and they'll need to repeat the slander to again rebuild. I'm not interested in playing that game. However I do not have to stay connected to that person. As is I have as little contact as possoble. Soon it may prove to even become no contact what so ever.

I'm growing as a person so I can better serve my children, my husband and our world. Anger serves no purpose. It doesn't fix things. And often it creates more problems. Now I'm still human so naturally my first reaction was pure anger. I was very pissed off. But then I thought about it and I had to laugh.

"People who live in glass houses should not throw stones." I'll leave it at that.

Again I'm not perfect.
No one is.
We're human.
This person is miserable with their life. They've lost a lot. They probably hate themself so thus have to reflect that onto the closest target. Which is sadly usually me these days. It hurts that I've lost this person. We were family. And I have never had the chance to try and fix things nor have I ever been presented with what I did wrong to this person. But their anger is poisoning them and so they have to try to spread that same poison else where to try to void it from their life. When in reality it just creates a bigger problem.

I use to be the same way. It did me no favors. In fact it acted like acid and burned everything around me. It burned my perception of things. It burned relationships. It burned my self esteem. Again it did me no favors.

So please. Let go of anger.
And let go of angry people.
Speak honestly.
Don't gossip it's pointless.
Learn better topics to talk about than people.
If someone hurts you see it from a different perspective. See that they are hurting and spitting out anger; trying to rid themselves of it. Do not engage them in that anger. Again it's so pointless.

Anger is a reactive emotion. It is caused by an action of pain or grief and then resurfaces as anger until the cause is addressed and dealt with. So deal with it. And then leave it. Life is too short to waste too long on anger or toxic people.

Xo

Poetry

You play these games so well

If you’re lying how could i tell

You pretend to care

Then turn a cold shoulder

Isn’t it sad we are getting older

You joke

I cry

You laugh

I die

And in the end it seems

You will never accept reality

My demons hold me

Rocking me through the night

They stay with me

No matter how much i fight

They are still here

When everyone else leaves

They stay

To remind me

They own me

And i will never be free

Suicide (Chester Bennington)

Chester Bennington of Linkin Park killed himself this week. Listening to their new album, it feels like he was screaming out, yet no one heard him. That's the problem with mental illness and our world. We cannot see it till its slashed across our face. And even then we don't. I wont pretend i was Linkin park’s number one fan. I wasn’t. I was a pretty big fan of their music because of what it did for me. Their album hybrid theory literally saved my life and helped me through some terrible dark days.There was a day in high school i could not do it. I wanted out. The pain was too much. I was thinking of ways to end it. In the time it took to “plan” things i put in the CD and played runaway, i screamed and i cried. I'm talking SCREAMING and hysterical crying. The kind you don't want anyone to see because its your soul leaking out. When it ended i replayed it. I did this over and over until i felt like i couldn't cry anymore, until my throat hurt from screaming. I felt like i had purged out all the pain. I was just tried. So i listened to the rest of the CD and fell asleep at some point. I made it through that night (and then several times thereafter) by purging out the pain with that album. His words spoke straight to the parts of me that were broken. This is why having him gone, slices a little into my soul.

I was excited for their new album and to maybe see them in concert finally! But here's the thing, when you battle the demons depression you don't have to know the person to FEEL the pain of suicide, it cuts. It cuts REALLY FUCKING DEEP! I'd relate it to if you were fighting cancer and someone died from cancer. It would hit you. You'd feel it deeper. Because it could be you. That is depression and suicide. Recognizing that any day IT COULD BE ME.

“Jessica Urban, found dead by apparent suicide.”

I've been to the point i did not think i would make it till morning more times than i care to count. Its literal hell when your brain is so sick it wants you to die. The pain, THE PAIN IS UNGODLY. Its so excruciating you just need it to stop. Imagine if someone had a pair of earbuds glued into your ears and began blasting “You're worthless. You’re so fucking pathetic. No one wants you." Also on repeat is every embarrassing moment. Every moment of failure. Just on repeat. “You’re destroying your kids. You're poison. You’ll hurt them like you were hurt. Just kill yourself so they have a chance at happiness." THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. Add in an ache in your SOUL, pain literally in your soul. DO you know what it’s like to have your soul BLEEDING?! Its unbearable.

So before you say suicide is cowardly please remember everyday is a battle. They fought hard as fuck EVERY SINGLE DAY to keep those demons quiet. And reality is it takes one moment of literally being too tired, when you just need a goddamn break, and that is when we lose them. That’s when the demons take over. They feed on any good and any fight you had until that’s it. They’re gone. You would never say to someone with cancer that they didn’t fight hard enough. How could they just die. Suicide is the SAME DAMN WAY!!! They fought, WE FIGHT EVERY SECOND, and the one minute we don’t,it could be it. It could be the end. Dammit Chester i wish you had one more minute of fight left, but not for a moment do i think you were weak. I did not know you personally, but i cannot imagine a father just walking away from his children. I can say with pretty sure confidence that these demons told you that you needed to die for them to be safe. For them to be happy. Because damn that is what these demons love to do. They love to tell you you’re worthless and a bad parent. They do it to me daily. I hope you are somewhere with no more pain. I hope your demons have finally silenced. I hope your family can find comfort somehow. I pray your demons have not moved on to them.

Please everyone, if you know the pain i am talking about, do not stop fighting. And don't fight alone. We are in this together!!! If you don't know and you have questions please ask them. But please don't assume that because you don't know that you somehow are better, you're not, you're just lucky as fuck!!!! I am begging everyone, please, if you feel like it needs to end, like its too much REACH OUT!!!! And if someone does reach out to you realize how DAMN lucky you are and take them seriously. Allow them to be sad, but remind them how much they have already fought through, how much they've lived through. Remind them how strong they are. Remind them they are loved, and needed. Remind them how these demons LIE!!!! They fucking LIE!!! That’s what they count on!

 Be kind to each other. Give love. Fuck hate and judgement. We need to be there for each other. NEVER STOP FIGHTING warriors!!!! ~XO

Warrior Files and Parent Advisory

What does the word warrior mean?
And why the warrior files? 

war·ri·or

ˈwôrēər/

noun

noun: warrior; plural noun: warriors; noun: warrior pose; plural noun: warrior poses

1. 1.

   (especially in former times) a brave or experienced soldier or fighter.

   synonyms:

   fighter, soldier, serviceman, combatant, mercenary "fearsome warriors"

2. 2.

   any of a number of standing poses in yoga in which the legs are held apart and the arms are stretched outwards.

While i like a good yoga stretch like any other person, i am most certainly referring to #1. 

So why the warrior files? Because every day i meet people, or witness people fighting a similar fight.

Depression

Anxiety

Chronic illness

PTSD

LIFE with demons. 

And i wanted to create a blog for my work in progress book series of the same name. But that is still strictly under construction.

I need to write. It helps with my demons.

However here is your warning label, i have never taken a college editing or literature class. I have poor spelling and punctuation. If that's a problem for you just don't read. I have more that needs to be said then to have to stop and worry that it isn't formatted correctly. And how the hell can a writer be so horrible with punctuation? Easy, that's what an editor is for, eventually. My main focus is getting these damn thoughts out of my fucking head before they explode.

Your second advisory ***PARENTAL ADVISORY*** I swear, a lot. is it necessary? Maybe not to you but for me yes. Don't like it, don't read. I'm blunt, and i have spent near 30 years of my life sugar coating and editing myself to fit a mold that just broke me. So i don't plan to alter myself for a damn blog. Now if no one reads this thing than whatever, it is what it is. My main goal is to get it out of my head, my hope is that it might help someone even one person through the dark that this life is consuming us all with.

So cheers.